June 25, 2020
I struggle a lot with spending too much time doing things that I don't actual enjoy to do. That sounds super weird when read aloud. Why would I do something if I don't enjoy it?
What I talking about specifically is my problem with endlessly scrolling through a handful of websites. I am sure I am not the only person that has found themselves scrolling through something like Reddit or YouTube thinking, "I am not having fun right now." Yet, shortly after I close the tab, I open a new one and go to another website that is super similar to do the same thing. I have burned countless hours doing this.
It frustrates me to no end that I have this problem. The weird thing is that this behavior is not always super consistent. At certain points in my life, I have a really good grasp on this and I am able to strike a healthy balance. Other times, I find it difficult, almost impossible, for me to focus on the task at hand. Recently, I have been finding myself mostly in the latter camp.
The most painful part about being in this rut is that I feel like a spectator in my own life. It is like the real me in in the backseat while some shell of me is in control, driving and making the calls. The hours slowly tick away, I am thinking to myself that I should do anything else and before you know it I lying in bed wondering where all of my time has gone. Time is a finite resource. I will never get that time back. I also do not know how much of it I have left. Life can be unfair and my time can be drastically shorter than what I "should" get.
I think that verbalizing this feeling will help me get into the right mindset and really talk out why I think I am succumbing to this lately. I am already on a little bit of an upswing if I am spending my time writing something like this to help me get back on track :) I think the most important thing to keep in mind when I find myself struggling with stuff like this is that I need to remember to forgive myself. Feelings of guilt have a surprising amount of power over a lot of people, especially myself. Guild can really spiral out of control and keep a person in a bad place if not faced head on.